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Friday, February 6, 2009
Persistence: Giving+Loving Sem 2 has been quite hectic so far. This week is even week, and even weeks are supposedly more relaxed. I have planned it as such so that I could have alternate weeks of being more relaxed. But looks like I am not enjoying that...have been diligently trying not to lag behind my school work. Plus the fact that this semester I'm having lots of projects and mid-terms, it is such a contrast to my 1st semester! That's for school.... . . . Recently haven't been very stable emotionally. I have the best girl pals and I know I am so fortunate to have people ready to listen to me talk about anything. But yet sometimes I still feel that I can't find anyone whom I can really open up to. That is not a very good feeling. I don't know. I'm more inclined to say that the problem lies with me rather than them. Perhaps I'm waiting for someone who would notice without me initiating it first. Someone who would be sensitive enough, not asking 'how are you' just to make small talks and kill time. Someone who would spend time listening to me talking abt everything in my life. Someone that clicks at my frequency, someone that will understand what I'm going through, someone that will not get stumbled by my sharing but instead encourage me to persist in having faith. And. Someone that does realize for a long time I have been constantly giving and that who realizes as imperfect a human, there are times when I grow tired and need some recharging and can use some genuine and effective encouragement in order to continue giving. This is SO not me. Friends, please attest to it??? Perhaps it's my own battle and that's why I am hesitant in voicing out. Or perhaps I'm still waiting for the right person who I can feel comfortable to share this with. But sometimes all these doesn't matter because I should really be voicing everything to the one who understands me the most: God. Right? Right. So I did. But felt the same. . . . This is really SO not me. But I guess it's time to stop self-denial. So yes, deal with it enling. You are not always strong...don't be afraid to admit it. Let God help you through it. 1 John 4:19 We love because He first loved us. And today, we sang 'First' for worship during Cgm. And God is saying to me, Don't use fatigue as an excuse to give up. Always remember that you are giving because I have first given my Son to you. Persist in loving, because I first persisted in loving you. Ok. If that's the case Lord, use me however You want then. I will obey because loving is obeying. And it doesn't matter if I get appreciated or not. You have shown me there's more to life than getting my ego stroked. I remember what I learnt from Emerge '07 about brokenness & contriteness, and about servanthood. True servanthood & humility is tested only when people really treat you like a servant. AMEN. Labels: contemplative, daily rantings, revelation 10:50 PM
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