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Sunday, February 8, 2009
To whom it may concern Erm... After overcoming some initial inhibition, I decided to post this up. To share with those who might encounter the same things as I do, to let you know you're not alone AND that you can overcome it. To the rest, I hope it doesn't cause too much shock! Haa.... . . . . . . . . . . . Thought breeds action It's scary to realize how deep I can sink into depression. Not to the point of taking a knife and putting it on my wrist, or the impulse of downing 8 panadols one shot...but an action is bred from a thought. As innocent as a thought in the brain. Many times I suspect I might just have the potential to do suicide because I have thoughts about using suicide to ease my pain. I have been taught that it is a myth to think that suicide can ease one's pain. And yes, my rationality tells me that too. But it is scary to me of how one person can be headed towards self-destruction with just a trigger of some thoughts. And whether we carry out the action of suicide or we dismiss the idea after some deliberate analysis is only a matter of conviction. In fact, I used to have wild imagination of how to leave my house and family. or how to die in my earlier days. I can die while travelling in my parents' car. I simply have to open the car door, hop out of the car while on the expressway when all the cars are travelling at high speeds. Let one or two cars run over me. That's the end of my life. My spirit will leave my body, and at last - I can be freed from the sufferings of this world. When my thought life is bad, such thoughts return. But of course I thank God that I have Him. If there is really no God in this world, I would have done suicide long ago. Without God, there is no Heaven nor is there Hell. There is no eternity and no eternal death. Moral values will no longer matter. In fact, it might not even exist. It is meaningless to live on. But more importantly, I thank God because He made me realize that if I ever succumb to suicide, indeed I'll be freed from the sufferings of this world, BUT I'll be caught in eternal hell for the rest of eternity with Satan gloating, his delight written all over his ugly face. With the thought of Satan gloating away, I simply hate to let him win or let him have me. But Enling, I thought you came from a happy and blessed family, who provided you with everything you need and want? Why do you still have such suicidal thoughts? Compared to others who have been through family violence, with history of abuse or hurt, you are very fortunate. You know? I know. YES, I know. Well. If emotions can ever be reasoned, we will have an explanation to everything in this world. Science will no longer be eluded when it comes to things of the heart. But we know that emotions are the very thing that makes us humans human. And therefore, I cannot tell you why my inner world can be full of darkness at times, that it even scares myself. Did I ever wished to become like this? No, of course not. But there's one thing I understand: 2 different people can go through different things, but the degree of hurt and disappointments felt is the common denominator. So with that, I just want to say to myself AND to those who may have shared the same intense feelings as I do when we are down...environmental support and encouragement is very important. Allow (the right) people to walk into your life and to bring you out of it. Know where you can get genuine help. In this world, what binds us together is the fact that we are interdependent. We depend on each other to function, even as a society. Therefore, let's create a community of social support for each other. In that way, we will not fall trap into thinking that suicide can solve everything, because you will realize that it is a bad trade-off. And there is a reason why people in the right mind - your friends, family, religious leaders, social workers, counsellors, psychologists, experts - are all saying the same thing: Suicide IS stupid. If you feel the same way about life as I did and you would like to talk about it, and more importantly you need a listening ear, feel free to share it with me. Let's create a community of social support. klerisei@gmail.com Labels: contemplative 8:23 PM
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