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Saturday, October 3, 2009
I'll keep it short. I realized something. Call it a revelation if you like. I am doing things I don't like to see myself or others do. That sums up my life now. I never used to be late for appointments, not to mention oversleep. But now, I'm late for appointments in 3 out of 10 of them (the redeeming trait is that this is improving), but I do tread dangerously on the line of oversleeping still. I never used to be a late sleeper. To the degree of sleeping at 3,4,5am. But now, I'm struggling to even make myself fall asleep before 3am. I never used to skip my meals, but now I do quite often and it isn't because I'm fasting. I never used to spend more than I save, but now I hardly save and I spend most of what I get. I never used to be slack with exercising and pushing my physical limits. But now? I am not used to doing that anymore. My room never used to be so disorganized and messy but now, it is one or two levels short of becoming a pigsty. I never used to be so unconfident when it comes to studies. At least, I would put up a good fight with the books and I'd succeed. But now, I feel my mind is too much over the place and I am no longer the studious girl that I was back in Secondary and JC. See? That quite explains why even though life is on another level for me now, yet I still feel bugged and I often blame myself for these things I have allowed to make my life corrupted. Those things that made me truly happy from inside out were those which will make me disciplined. This is because I love orderliness. And therefore, although I AM happy now, my happiness is not attributed to the discipline level or orderliness in my life. Because I have none of it. When I look back, I realize all these happened because I am easily influenced by those around me. As I've mentioned before, it is a double-edged sword personality trait. Therefore, I really need to surround myself with good influence more than the negative ones. Sadly, perhaps it is in the human nature to learn the bad stuff more than the good....I "inherited" the negative influences from those I interact with. And the problem lies with me, not them, because we all have our own imperfections. I really want to find back the old me, not because I prefer the old wineskin....but that to move on happily with peace in my heart, and in order to be an even bigger giver, I must have the old me that still remains like the foundation when I build everything else upon. I would love to think of myself as immovable as Christ when it comes to certain healthy beliefs in the area of lifestyle. That is the meaning of becoming the salt and light, to be in the world but not of the world, isn't it? I need a change for the better... Labels: contemplative 10:28 PM
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