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Thursday, January 7, 2010
Friendship 101 (part 4) Friendship 101 (part 4) >_< I think I have too much to say! Haha! What is in a loving friendship? There are alot of things in a loving friendship. If there is 1 word to summarize, it will be GIVING/HELPING. But that word is very general (coz it summarizes, duh!). One element I want to really talk about it educating. I think it is very helpful to harden your hearts towards what is ineffective/not useful for your friends. To put it simpler, educating your friend. By this, I'm not saying we should all be commanders and talk down on our friends. That is super far from what I mean. In every healthy friendship, there are always things to learn from the other party. Like through my friendship with Weiling, I learnt to have faith and be bold to confess the dreams I wanna achieve. My friendship with Joan makes me want to be very transparent towards friends who are trustworthy. My friendship with Charmaine inspired me to be courageous and draw strength from God even during times of tribulations. I learnt these from my friends. But I believe they also learnt things from me. If that learning exchange process is not taking place, then it's time to move on to another circle of friends! Because friends are suppose to edify, encourage and exhort! We should be helping each other to become better people. That's what friendships are about. So when I say "educating", I mean doing it wisely. It doesn't HAVE to be instructive. It can exist in 1001 ways that depends on the dynamics of your friendship. I am focusing my blog entry part 4 on education, because I really think it is a part that's unknowingly or knowingly missing in friendships. I don't know about you, but I am mindful of the health statuses of my friendships. As much as I have the tendency to be too much of a pacifist (my weakness), I make it a point to educate and learn from constructive criticisms, even if those criticisms may not be outrightly said out. I do make it a point to read facial expressions and body languages. Because they tell me more than words do. Bad news is, it is inevitable that education will involve some kind of confrontation at some point in time in a friendship. I personally HATE confrontations. But I would force/psycho myself to do what is only right and good for my friends, if that means they need to correct certain things in their lives. I don't always succeed haha. I'm still learning, yes. Sigh...I hope I am not making myself sound like a friendship guru like the titles I give to my blog entries which are just....for the sake of having a catchy title. Coz the rest of it are words and words are boring for the eyes. Haha. To be honest, I think I could have been a better friend in many instances. Even right now, I have some friendships which I feel are a little strange/weird/unexplainably hanging in the air. Do I have regrets? Yeah. But the saying is true: It takes 2 hands to clap. One way communication is not called communication. Anyway, hope my sharing isn't just verbal diorrhea. Hope it is actually a good read for some of you. =) Labels: friendship 101 1:00 AM
Friendship 101 (part 3) Friendship 101 (part 3)
In a loving friendship: How to love WISELY We need to learn how to love wisely. When we love a friend, it doesn't mean we allow people to trample over us, exploit our friendship, and manipulate us like fools. We need to guard against those who are insincere, out to deceive and destroy. We need to protect ourselves from hurting and getting bitter, because these emotions are deep setting and can grow into something horrible in the long term. If that happens, we cannot love properly, as I've mentioned in part 2. A balance must be made. Don't build a wall in you; instead, build a gate (or a filter). A wall is permanently blocking off all goodwill and badwill. It is also opaque...you are unable to 'see', or simpler terms, to discern. Because to you everything is simply, "I don't care, just don't hurt me can already". If you build a gate/filter instead of a wall, you can open your heart at the right time to the right friendships. You can also close up and protect yourself when you know an enemy is in the disguise of a friend. Love wisely. Be smart in your EQ as much as your IQ. Be sensitive to people's intentions not just through words alone, but through their moral principles, body language & facial expressions. To be able to do this, based on my experience, is to o-b-s-e-r-v-e hahaha. Labels: friendship 101 12:45 AM
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Friendship 101 (part 2) Friendship 101 (part 2) Roadblock to a loving friendship - inability to love It is difficult for people who are deeply bitter, hurt and disappointed to be a loving friend. It is therefore important for us to learn how to first put away those feelings in order to love properly. Love is 100%. Anything less than that is not true love. So from marriage relationship -> friendship -> love. Love is the obvious common denominator for every connection we have with one another. Yes, even in businesses/workplaces. I truly believe so and no, I'm not being idealistic. I think you who think I'm idealistic are being jaded. I think the world needs a bit of a shaking up. Maybe more than a bit. I realize that at least 50% of the time we are being nice to one another not really wholeheartedly. By that, I mean it is often our being nice under the "kill two birds with one stone" scenario...something like, "if it doesn't serve a win-win situation, it is not worth doing" kinda thing. Of course, that is nothing wrong. In fact, it is very practical and even logical to create win-win situations. But what if you can just do good for the sake of doing good? To someone, or for something? Will you do it? I think it is very hard for people with a pragmatic mindset to do this. Perhaps that's why we love using the heart, and not our minds. Labels: friendship 101 9:07 PM
Friendship 101 (part 1) I'm actually in the midst of doing my dissertation, I am feeling sorry for myself because I am still working towards half-goal only. When I say "mammoth task", it really is mammoth. Hope I can finish chapter 1-4 by this Sunday, 5 by Monday. Chapter 6-10 is I-really-don't-know-how-long-I-will-take. God help me! I wanted to take a pause to talk about friendships which I wanted to mention a week or two ago. FRIENDSHIP 101. Do I sound like a friendship guru? HAHA kidding. 2 kinds of Friendship - Love vs. Lust Yes, not just relationships. Friendships also have two categories in my opinion, and I also feel that marriage and friendships should be similar. You are in a lustful friendship when you are simply seeking to get. Get praises, get people to like you, get benefits, get privileges, get pleasure. You are in a loveful (if there's such a word, haha!) friendship when you are seeking to give. Of course, there must be a balance of giving and getting in every friendship. I'm not saying that we should keep giving until we are dry on the inside. What I'm saying is we should SEEK to give 100%, & we should NOT EXPECT to get anything in return. Case example #1 (loving in a friendship): I see that my friend is in need of help financially coz he/she is cash tight because of family circumstances. I decided to help this friend out by lending $. But I don't EXPECT he or she to do the same for me if one day I am the one facing a difficulty. BUT, he or she may do the same for me if he or she is willing to, out of a grateful heart for what I have done for him/her in the past. I don't take that repayment for granted, nor do I try to put pressure on him/her to do so. Such is an example of giving without expecting anything in return. The advantage of abiding by this principle? You get to find out who are your true friends. True friends remember favors and will strive to repay when an opportunity arises. You should make him/her part of your inner circle. Case example #2 (lusting in a friendship): Your friend is a very famous CEO of a company but the company failed and your friend is reduced to a pauper from a prince. You decide that he is no longer a prestigious friend in your "friend list" and thus u kick him out of your social circle. Case example #3 (lusting in a friendship): You found your this particular friend alot of fun to be with but after some time, he is no longer funny. You decided he is out of your social circle coz he is too boring. When obtaining pleasure, benefits, privileges, and praises is your number 1 priority, you are not a very sincere friend. I think alot of people are in this category, because once the friendship is no longer interesting, the friendship breaks down. Isn't friendship like a marriage relationship? When husband thinks there is no more sparks and chemistry with the wife, it instantly means divorce. Most people have this thinking. But the truth is, that is a manifestation of LUST! Divorce is not the best solution. This is my humble opinion and observation on the similiarities between friendships and marriage. Friendship is more than just enjoying the camaraderie and benefits of that friendship connection. If you truly love your friend, even in sickness or in health, in poverty or wealth, you will stand by that friend no matter what. Even if he has become not so funny, when the same jokes no longer tickle your funny bone anymore. He is still your friend at that level as to when you guys used to be. There are many levels in a friendship. You can claim he is still your friend, but in fact the love credits have been subtracted from the love bank and he maybe close to the category of stranger than a friend now. If he is a 100 points friend in the past, now he is only a 5 points friend. Then you know you are lusting in a friendship, not loving. Love is always "in spite of". Anyway, I believe it makes sense for friendship to be like a marriage because before you get married to someone, you choose him or her from your circle of friends right? And normally (I hope) people choose their spouses because him/her is first a good friend. Any healthy relationship should start off with a sincere, loving and giving heart. DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M WRITING HERE? I hope I am expressing myself correctly haha. Labels: friendship 101 8:18 PM
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